Something's Gotta Give

Hi, my name is Johanna, and I'm an idiot.

Ok, now that we have that established, let me tell you why.  I have a date tomorrow night.  Yup, *I* have a date.  And at the moment, every single cell in my body is telling me I should call him and tell him I'm sick.  I'm not sick.  Granted, I feel sick to my stomach right now, but I'm not actually sick.  So, why, you might ask, do I want to call in sick?  I'm chicken.  Plain and simple...I'm chicken.  I actually really like him.  And I'm scared to open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again.  So at the moment, calling in sick is sounding like a much more reasonable option. 

For the past 6 years, I have desperately wanted to find "the one."  If such a thing exists.  Desperately.  And I've went on a few dates.  But by and large...I have spent a lot of the past 6 years just completely giving up on finding a relationship.  All because I'm one big pile of chicken sh*t. 

Not having  grown up in an uber emotionally supportive home, where the theory was more just "get over it" I feel weird right now.  I'm not positive how to work through this.  So when I finally got out of a horrible emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship 6 years ago, I wasn't sure how to get over it than just not let it bug me anymore.  But that totally didn't work.  I had no clue how to regain any amount of self respect, confidence, or trust.  So, long story short, over the past 6 years, I've found a really good way to a) find the wrong guy and b) spend a lot of time by myself. 

And I've tried being open...and it's clearly not worked.  But a few weeks ago, I read an article that really seemed to resonate with me.  It was about finding a relationship after any type of an abusive relationship.  And the essence of the article was that the real, true healing comes in finding the good relationship.  And it also mentioned a few things about how abuse survivors feel about finding a relationship...a desperation for wanting to find someone who will love you to the ends of the earth and back, combined with a lot of anxiety and fear about finding that type of relationship. 

At this point in time, I could be the mascot for this article.  I know it...I know that a lot of my feelings are illogical.  But I'm right there in the middle of it.

So, this morning, my illogical brain started thinking of the movie Something's Gotta Give.  It's a great movie where Diane Keaton falls in love with Jack Nicholson, and gets her heart broken.  There's a great scene between she and her daughter that smacked me in the face this morning. 

Marin: Are you crying?
Erica Barry: Yeah. It's my new thing. I've gotten abnormally brilliant at it.
Marin: Why? What is it?
Erica Barry: I'm in love. Ain't it great? Seems like I gotta learn how to that... love-them-and-leave-them stuff, you know?
Marin: Oh mom, I hate this. Now do you get my theory about all this? You gotta self-protect.
Erica Barry: You don't really buy this stuff you say, do you? You don't actually think that you can outsmart getting hurt?
Marin: I think it's worth trying.
Erica Barry: Listen to me. You can't hide from love for the rest of your life because maybe it won't work out... maybe you'll become unglued? It's just not a way to live.
Marin: Are you telling me this is good? What's happened to you?
Erica Barry: I think you should consider the possibility that you and I are more alike than you realize. I let someone in, and I had the time of my life.
Marin: I've never had the time of my life.
Erica Barry: I know, baby. And I say this from the deepest part of my heart. What are you waiting for?

Yup, for our purposes today, I'm her daughter, Marin.   Every single cell in my body is screaming at me to run the opposite direction.  But I don't want to feel like a quitter.  Because I'm not a quitter.  I finished a 2.4 mile swim, in 61 degree water, already suffering the effects of hypothermia.  But I didn't quit!!  Because you keep moving forward.

Well, at the moment, I'd much rather take another swim in that frigid water than go on this date tomorrow night.  Why?  Because I like him.  There, I said it.  Happy now?  I like him, a lot.  And I don't want to get hurt again.  And I feel like an idiot, because I really believe what is said up above.  That you really have to open yourself up to live and love.  But holy crap, this is so hard! 

Ok...I'm going to try to hit "Publish" now.  ACK!!!